On Hope and Being Hopeful

Welcome to Bigger Picture Moments, a weekly writing meme where we breathe in the moments that paint a picture of the grander scheme. All moments are welcome in this space — small or large, as community is just as important as the grander awareness brought on by searching for a bigger picture every week.


Bigger Picture Moment


Hope:
intransitive verb 1) to cherish a desire with anticipation
transitive verb 2) to expect with confidence: trust

Two definitions that clearly define how my husband and I are different. He hopes with confidence that it will come true. For me hope is more like a dream, a wish. I want it to come true, but I am have hardened to it and am pessimistic.

I am not a glass is half empty pessimist, I am more the prepare for the worst case scenario pessimist. I don’t generally share this with everyone, no need to bring the world into the crazy of my brain. It’s just what I have done for as long as I can remember. It’s the clinical side of my brain, the part that allowed me to work in many parts of health care that others cannot stomach. It also allows me to be prepared and not shocked or surprised with the outcomes, like an older relative in the hospital. It doesn’t make me cold or uncaring, I still hurt and grieve. It makes me prepared. Which is why at 15 I was the most calm and collected person at my grandmas funeral and the one that handled many of the day of tasks. My worst case scenario mentality usually allows me the ability to be there and care for others who never would have thought it could happen.

I should say that’s how I used to be. I used to be able to think it through and accept and handle. Than the worst case scenario happened to me. I find it harder and harder to not just assume it will happen again and again and again. I can’t stop the worst case scenario thoughts, it’s how I have been my whole life. They just don’t offer the calm as they used to because now I am on the other side, I have seen them, felt them, lived them and it’s harder to prepare for.

I know spend everyday trying to regain hope in the sense of trust, and belief it will happen. I have hope I just find it hard to be hopeful.

July 12 was a hard day, I was trying to get through the day hoping for peace, calm, and the strength to get through instead of curling up in a ball and sleeping/crying the day away. Luckily have two wonderful children that have needs and activities. It was going too and from those activities that I saw this, in the butterfly garden we planted for JS:

Hope.

Flown in to remind me that life goes on.

The next day we saw this:

{okay this isn’t the one from that day, it was a few weeks later }

Hope amplified.

I’m do in February, a week after my miscarriage.

Hope replaced.

To say it’s been a joy and blessing is an understatement. To say it’s replaced all the fear and made me hopeful again would be a lie. It’s been a stressful 15weeks. I am trying to have the hope of my husband. To just relax and accept this gift and know it will be okay. He says I need to stop acting like something horrible will happen and start acting like it won’t.

So this is me acting like it won’t.

We finally told our parents (at 14weeks, the longest we have ever waited). I called my BFF’s and now I am telling you.

It’s time to accept that hope is everywhere, even when your having a hard time seeing it. Sometimes you just need to let go of control and accept it’s presence to truly feel it.

————–

Written by Melissa, originally published September 2, 2010. Melissa is a mom of 2 kids and one angel and is expecting another bundle of joy and messes. She writes about Love, Life, Loss and everything else that gets stuck in her hair at Peanut Butter in my Hair.

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